FTX Roll Call / FTX Gold

FTX Roll Call / FTX Gold

To my dear FTX Gang,

It’s been a year and a half since my last FTX Roll Call letting you know about our newest Gang members.

Since then we’ve done two FTXs!!!! Paris and Standing Rock.

Please allow me to introduce you to our ten newest members.

In Gang number order:

FTX 74
He’s the Jam to my Toast. We met in the Namibian desert in 2012.
A can-do guy, Bodie always has multiple ways to get past any hurdle.
Which helps greatly when you are griddling up some tasty bred on the sly from the local authorities.
After our shared FTX Namibia success I was lucky enough to find Bodie able to come to FTX Paris from his new home in London.

FTX 75
I’ve known Scott since 2003. That’s right, it took me 13 years to get my slow bones to inducting this legend.
Scott is easily one of the most unassuming and yet big hearted and capable people I’ve ever met. Even at his great height he has the ability to be invisible, always watching and waiting for just the moment to lend that hand when it is needed most.
I am forever grateful for his invitation to make Pain Perdu in Paris last year.
Thank you Scott!

FTX 76
All things are connected and Scott’s invitation to Paris led me to Emmanuelle.
Boundless positive energy, Emmanuelle threw herself into FTX Paris and made it very clear to me that she wanted into our Gang.
I’ve always believed saying what you want is great way to get it.
Emmanuelle, I will be forever blessed that you did.
And as always, life throws you the unexpected. Like her one of a kind blue sleeved and yet gold number FTX shirt. A mishap at the printers or were her Gang colors always meant to be unique? Just like our Emmanuelle.

FTX 78
Juniper FTX’s first kitty kat!!!!

Dearest Junebug. The best of friends to our FTX 3 and our co-founder Daisy, FTX 1. A little know fact is that Juniper was invited into our Gang right at it’s fruition. And in true cat style, turned us down cold. Stone Cold that is. But in the 14 years of FTX her heart softened to us strange kidz and when her ‘special delivery’ FTX Gang tag arrived last July I am told she wore it with pride and spunk.

From my deepest well of sadness I am sorry to write that lil June passed on a little over two months later. I believe she was greeted by her friend Daisy as well as FTX 0 – Jasmine. I will love you forever my little orange friend. You were and are the best of the bests.

FTX 79
I met James in Detroit in 2014.
And boy was I lucky I did.
If I was to sum up James it would be integrity.
Sure he’s funny, quirky, and loving like the rest of us. But behind all of his traits there is this beautiful golden thread of integrity.
I deeply admire James and am constantly astonished at how much our little Gang means to him. After his first FTX in Detroit he made it a point to fly out to our next two! Paris and Standing Rock. Two places not too easy to get to.
You can never have enough heart. And with James I can rest easy knowing our Gang will never have to worry about that.

FTX 80
I’ve known Jerry for just over a decade. A quiet observant guy (who’s into the heaviest of heavy metal) it takes you to think outside of yourself to get to know him. What I’ve learned most about Jerry aren’t from his words (although he is a successful writer) but from his actions. The way he cares for his family (both human and animal).
I have to say what impressed me most was during our journey to Standing Rock. He held down the fort at home so FTX 3 could support us. But what will stick with me always is when I asked him if he had been able to go would he have, even if his job might have had a problem with it. He told me he’d have gone. Which means risking his livelihood, his safety net, his future and those of his family for what he believed was right. And that my friends is how you make the world better.

FTX 88
I met Julien in Paris in 2016 and as has been the case with my closest of friends I look back and realize I had no idea of the greatness I was in the presence of at the time. Julien is all in. Whatever I needed to pull off FTX Paris he was there for. He was my second griller. I trusted him with reading in French my deep felt and emotional FTX Paris speech where I talked about the loss of Daisy (FTX 1) and Jasmine (FTX 0). Julien is a brother. I look to the day when I see him again.

FTX 107
Nick. Now let me tell you about Nick.

When Nick found out about the situation going on at Standing Rock he had a deep concern for how we as Americans were treating the First People. He asked him mom about it and what could be done. When Brandy learned about Nick’s concern about Standing Rock she asked if he could be a part of our epic (and life changing) journey. I knew Nick was a solid and heart driven young man who I could depend on. I immediately said yes. When we scooped him up in Nevada on our way to North Dakota I warned him that this wasn’t a vacation. He was going to be put to work. None of that phased him and on the day of FTX Standing Rock he became our key utility person. Getting the three grillers heaping mountains of challah, making sure the topping tables were fully stocked, and helping bringing the batter and its empty containers back and forth from the the prep table.
In all truth I can’t imagine doing it without him.
On the drive home I looked at him in the rearview mirror and asked if he had a lucky number. My subtle way of trying to pick his future FTX number. He said 7, because that was the age that was the best year of his life.

FTX 113
Richard is the husband of Belen, FTX 26. I met him thru her and was lucky enough to be at their wedding as well as see them grow into wonderful parents. He came to our FTX Downtown events in 2009 and 2010 which means this induction has been a long time coming. I’m so grateful he didn’t give up asking me to join. This Gang means a lot to me but I never lose sight of how incredible it is that people want in. I can’t express how touching that really is. Thank you Richard, we’re lucky to have you.

FTX 117
Ahhhh and my dear Sophie. I met Sophie thru FTX 75, Scott. Sophie is one of a kind. In a business that’s mostly about money here’s one of the good ones who makes it about people. Quick with a laugh and more than her share of mischief in her eyes I so do love our Sophie. She was the one who went with me that special morning in Paris when she asked l’Un Est l’Autre (in her native French) if they would allow us to do our event with them. It would not have happened without her. Stone Cold? Elle est pierre froide!!!!

And those are our newest 10 in a long list of future members.

Which leads me to our next event!!!!

That’s right!!!! Our 22nd FTX is happening this year and it’s called FTX Gold!!!!
Gold for Gold Coast, Australia. Right now I’m planning for Saturday September 2nd at the Broadwater Parklands Children’s Park.

Broadwater Parklands

Once I’ve locked it in I will let you know but I wanted to plant the seed in your head in case you wanted to come. The soundtrack is 99% done and it starts with AC/DC and ends with AC/DC and has our very own theme song “French Toast and Hugs” nestled in the center of the mix written by our very own FTX 23 – Sarah!!!!

Exciting times indeed. I’m so glad to have you all to share them with.

Love always,


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FTX Standing Rock Wrap Up (FTX #21)

FTX Standing Rock Wrap UpSeven days ago.

FTX Standing Rock was seven days ago.

From the start there was an urgency to all our actions.

From receiving the message to do our event, to the planning, to the almost 4,000 mile round trip journey thru eight states.

I felt a drive in me that would either burn myself out completely or successfully complete our task.

Why such a need? I do not know.

We arrived at the Oceti Sakowin camp early in the morning the day before our FTX. My single-minded focus for the past week had been only to serve our gift of french toast and hugs on Saturday the 26th.

But that focus was shattered forever that fateful Friday morning as we turned north on the 1806 highway.

There in the dawning light of blues, pinks, and oranges I drove across the Cannon Ball river. A few silhouettes of people walked the same road we drove as they went from the Sacred Stone camp to the Oceti Sakowin camp. The road curved to the right and the land sloped down into the valley below.

What I saw took my breath away.

Teepees, tents and make shift buildings as far as my eyes could see.
A thick blue mist of sage and smoke hovered above and moved around the housing as if it was a river of colored air.

The original idea of what I thought our goal was dissolved as a quiet stillness entered into me.

There were thousands here. Reported well over ten thousand.
A historical meeting of over 300 tribes as well as people the world over.

We were welcomed at the entrance by hushed voices who told us the water ceremony was underway.

We found parking and got out into the crisp air walking to one of the Sacred Fires of the camp. As we moved past tents we entered an open area where people of all lands and races were standing in ceremony and prayer.

Prayer for the water.
Prayer for the Water Protectors who would soon be walking again out onto that bridge.
Prayer for us all.

I could see tears in the eyes of my gang as the simple truth and power of the moment was revealed.

Everything we had read or thought before paled compared to actually standing with people who had such pure intention.

Throughout my life, even as a young young boy, I always questioned myself and my beliefs. I remember being in college and sitting in my dorm room rather than going out and systematically questioning what I believed and why I chose to follow or not follow specific laws.

It was then that I realized that laws were merely the opinions of those in power.

Although we are led to believe that laws are just, it has been repeated time and again that that is not always so.

It was once the law for my father to ride in the back of the bus when he first moved to America.

At the Oceti Sakowin camp there are many kitchens.

With the help of my friends Tim and Tyler we started our search for a place to set up at the California kitchen. California kitchen is run by Patti of the Hoopa tribe.

Brandy, Tim and I entered a small dark dining room tent where people were milling around looking for something to eat. At the back were two small swinging doors. We knocked and entered to find a large white supply tent that was illuminated by the sun shining thru. Stacks and stacks of canned goods were to the left side while the right was filled with volunteers washing dishes. We asked where we could find Patti and they motioned us to two more small doors near the back of this tent. We again knocked and went thru to find another small darkened tent that was filled with stoves and even a refrigerator. The kitchen.

Sitting around a stove for warmth were a handful of people. I stood nervously behind them and asked if Patti was there. A woman directly in front of me turned and said that was her. I quickly explained the French Toast & Hugs Gang and our mission here at Standing Rock. I wondered if we would be able to set up outside the front dining room tent to serve people the following morning. With a smile Patti asked if we ran a Hug gang then where was her hug?

Hugs were never my strong suit but I felt calmed by her and leaned in to give her one.

She told us we were welcome to set up wherever we liked but that it would be cold in the morning and we were more than welcome to set up inside any of the three kitchen tents they used each day. We chose the middle storage tent for its sun warmed large space. The idea was to have people line up thru the first small dining tent and enter the storage tent. There we would serve them freshly grilled french toast along with maple syrup, butter, powdered sugar, strawberries, blueberries, bananas, oranges, coconut, and chocolate syrup along with a bottle of water to wash it down with.

We left Patti knowing we had found the right person and the right place.

This is not something new for me and my experience with FTX.
The right people just CLICK when you find them, like a Lego piece.

But sometimes it takes longer than others to find those Legos. With our limited time to prepare I was grateful this daunting task of finding a location in a camp full of thousands was complete.

We then walked across the way to the orientation dome. Daily they give orientation talks to new people to give them not only a better understanding of what is going on with the specific situation of the oil pipeline and the Water Protectors but also of the experience of First Americans in the land today.

There was much we learned in the 2 ½ hours of orientation but what stood most with me was the young American Indian man who opened it with a prayer. It wasn’t the prayer you may think of in our western ways but more of a conversation told not only to our minds but to our hearts. He spoke with such strength about each of our uniqueness and place in the world. How we were each uniquely loved by our creator. The power in each of us and how we can use it for a better world. I could feel the people around me stirring as he spoke to their hearts, hearts that had been taught lies that filled them with uncertainty and missing confidence. Hearts that knew the truth when they heard it.

This is something I have always believed.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it now.
We are legends.
All of us.
We just have to choose to be one in each day and in each instant.

As he finished his prayer he mentioned his mother runs the kitchen across the way cooking for 500 people each day. Helping and feeding people was one of the things we could do.

I couldn’t believe it. His mother is Patti!

Of course she is.

Me and my buddy, eleven year old Nick, then went out and put FTX flyers on the outside of the camp portapotty doors. Sometimes people were in them and we had to move quick as to not disturb them.

As we were leaving camp we ended where we started near the Sacred Fire.

There is a microphone there where camp events and messages are relayed.
As we were taught in orientation we offered the American Indian man with the mic some tobacco as a sign of respect. I then showed him my flyer and asked if he’d mention to the people about our free french toast event the next morning.

He shrewdly looked me up and down and told me I had to do it.
Something I did not want to do.

I took the mic and went into my head as I introduced myself as Toast and that we run a French Toast and Hugs gang that would be handing out free french toast at the California kitchen beginning at 8am the next day.

I was so nervous and lost in thought that it wasn’t until later that my sister Tara and Brandy told me that American Indian cheers and trills went up into the air after my announcement.

I gave the mic back to the man who slyly mentioned to the gathering crowd that as we were starting at 8am he would be in line at 7:59.

The gang began arriving throughout that evening to our Bismarck hotel room as we prepped the fruit and batter for the next morning.

We woke at 4am and made our way slowly to the camp once again.

Brandy and I went into the California kitchen and helped Patti and her crew move the dishwashing tables back so we could bring in our own. It was so cold that the cleaned camp dishes and cups were frozen to the tables and had to be broken off before they could be moved.

Unloading of our FTX items into the storage tent went quickly as unknown volunteer after volunteer silently helped.

The silence was something I noticed the day before.

This is a prayer and ceremony camp and being such any sound made needed to be done out of respect and love for others and for the intention of the group as a whole.

I knew right then that I would not be playing any of our FTX Soundtrack mixes.
The sounds of the people serving and eating and the grills frying would be the music for FTX Standing Rock.

After we set up in the white storage tent I gave a quick speech to my crew.
As with all FTX events, but none more so than this one, I wanted to remove my ego out of it as best I could.
We were here to serve. Nothing more and nothing less.

And then the dining room tent door was opened.

I do not know the number we fed that morning but I believe it to be over 200.
I never got a chance to go outside to see it but I was told the line went down the road and never diminished.
We had enough food for 500 but as we were taught in orientation, we are guests here and need to follow the non-linear flow of the Oceti Sakowin camp.
Around 10:30am Patti let me know that we needed to stop at 11am as the elders would be using her kitchen for a special meal.
I could tell Patti was a little sad to tell me the news but I knew that this was as it was to be. Again, my ego to feed more had to be removed from what was needed.

I spoke with her kitchen staff and they promised to use all our leftover eggs, bread and fruit for meals later that day and the days to follow. The weather was so cold I had no doubt that they would keep.

I left Oceti Sakowin wanting to do more.
And in reflection I believe that is a good place to be.

I leave you now with just a few more thoughts I got from my short stay at the Oceti Sakowin camp.

The land we are on is not our own.
Find out who lived on it before you.
Treat it with respect for what you are, a guest.

Our intentions matter. All of them.
What you eat, drink, drive, buy, invest in matters.
None more so I believe than how we treat each other.

I have witnessed so much division this year.
Division amongst friends and family and people of all lands, faiths and politics.
The question I humbly ask is who does this division serve?
If we look at each other and do not see brothers and sisters then who are we seeing?

There is much in disarray in our world.
But I believe there is much we can do to help it.
To me the first and foremost is communication.
Communication is a form of love.
Communication is sharing with someone who you are and listening to them tell you who they are. You don’t have to like or agree with every aspect of that person but you can listen. Because without listening there will never be a bridge of understanding.

It makes sense to me that the Water Protectors and the Police are facing off on a bridge.

One that has yet to be crossed.

The time has come to speak.
The time has come to listen.

Love always,


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French Toast And Hugs Website

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*Update* FTX Standing Rock (FTX #21) – November 26, 2016

FTX Standing RockSeven days.

I still have to remind myself that it was only seven days ago today that the words “FTX Standing Rock” entered my mind.

So much has happened since then.

Let me share with you a couple of those stories.

As I wrote before, I love details.
Especially ones that have to do with planning FTX events.

Picking a bakery is a big one.
You see, it HAS to be a bakery.
I can’t just go to a bread aisle in a grocery store and see what they have.
The bread is the foundation on which I can build my love around.

Over the years Challah bread has stood out time and again as my favorite to make French Toast with.

So this past Monday morning I called one of the few bakeries in Bismarck, North Dakota.

They are a lovely family run company but sadly could not accommodate making 100 loaves of bread on such short notice and over a major holiday as well.

So I went to google maps and zoomed out to find the next city along my route.

Rapid City, South Dakota.

I googled, yelped and did the internet search dance until I found “Great Harvest Bread”.
I rang them up and asked if they made Challah as I couldn’t find it on their site.
They did, once a week, and were happy to bake 100 loaves for our event.

But unfortunately they are closed on Thanksgiving and the Friday after.

What to do, what to do? I plan to drive thru South Dakota on Thanksgiving day and I needed that bread!

I humbly asked the owner Marsha if there was ANY possible way she could open up for me on Thanksgiving so I could pick up the bread.

I apologized in advance for even asking but I told her I had to at least try.

There was a pause on the phone and then a laugh as she said “Sure. I live 10 minutes away. Just don’t do it during my dinner!”

The next day I was on to purchasing the fruit.
Strawberries, blueberries, bananas and oranges.
Buying fruit off season is not always an easy task.
But buying this much fruit in a state where I know no one also leads to the questions of where do I wash it and refrigerate it?

Some more of those pesky little details I love so much.

My lady Brandy was wise enough to have the idea that we should stay in a hotel that has a kitchenette. That way we would have two sinks in the room to wash all the fruit.

Great idea!!
(Why haven’t I thought of it in the past 13 years of the gang?!)

Ok but where to store it?

Fruit can go bad quickly (as seen in FTX Auckland New Zealand back in 2008) and a kitchenette fridge sure won’t be large enough to store the 30 pounds of blueberries, 100 pounds of strawberries, 130 pounds of oranges and 320 pounds of bananas we are getting.

I brought up a map image of the hotel and did a 360.

Right across the street was a local North Dakota grocery store!

So I called them up and got Matt, the produce manager, on the phone.

“No problem, I can order all that fruit for you.” he said in his North Dakota accent.

And then my brain stumbled upon a solution to my refrigeration problem.

Again as nervous as I was to ask the bakery to open on Thanksgiving I asked Matt if I could pick up the fruit on Friday the 25th, wash it at my hotel across the street and then bring it back to refrigerate in the market’s fridge overnight.

“Of course! No problem!!”

(Again, why hadn’t I thought of this before!? Store the fruit where you bought it!!)

But another detail rose to the surface.

“Matt, I need to pick this fruit up at 5:30am the next morning to make it to Standing Rock. Will that be possible?”

“Of course! We open at 5am!”


That’s the only word I can think of. Unbelievable. The planning of this FTX has fallen into place over the past week with story after story after story like the two above.

I can honestly tell you it wasn’t about money for those two people.
It was simple and honest kindness.
Kindness to a stranger with a kind of strange idea.

Marsha and Matt. Two people connected to a larger story. As we all are.

Our story.

We’re all in the details.

Love always,


*Please see updated flyer with new location information. Please share.*

To join us on the rest of our journey follow us on:
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram: @ftxgang
#ftxstandingrock #frenchtoastandhugs #ftxgang

French Toast And Hugs Website

FTX (French Toast & Hugs) Standing Rock Invitation – FTX #21
Saturday November 26th, 2016
Oceti Sakowin Camp, Cannon Ball, North Dakota
Starting At Approximately 8am

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FTX Standing Rock Invite (FTX #21) ~ November 26th, 2016

FTX Standing RockFour months.

That’s the average amount of time it takes me to plan an FTX (French Toast & Hugs) event.

“Why so long?” I’ve been asked many times before.

I would rattle off some information about the details required, the location scouting needed, the food storage and the transportation of it all.

But the hidden truth is that’s just who I am.

I’m the guy that can stare at a horizon for hours and days.
I’m the guy who will spend weeks, maybe months, working on each FTX Soundtrack. And even after I’ve picked the tracks I’ll then wear headphones and sample each release of the same song to listen for which one has been mixed best.

They say the devil is in the details.
I don’t know about that but I know I sure put my heart into them.

Which is why my gang has been shocked to learn that our next FTX is in less than two weeks!

You read that right.

I’m attempting to do something that takes me four months in less than two weeks.

Last Friday, November 11th, I was preparing to go to sleep when three words entered my mind without warning.

FTX Standing Rock

As most know, the Standing Rock Sioux have been holding their ground against an oil pipeline being constructed thru their sacred land, under both the Missouri and Mississippi rivers and dangerously close to Lake Oahe.


When that pipeline breaks, as they have proven repeatedly to do, it will destroy their water supply.
But not just theirs, it will also destroy the water supply of 18 million people that live off of those rivers and lakes.

Just the very construction of the pipeline will desecrate their sacred lands.
Those are our lands too.

This is our country.
This is our world.
And there are millions of ways we can take it back from the faceless corporations, governments and people who are deaf and blind from their fear, hatred and greed.

We can treat each other with love by speaking our own personal truth without anger or hate.
We can treat each other with love by listening to another’s truth.
We can reach for understanding.

I don’t believe, I KNOW, that there is nothing more powerful than unconditional love.
And we must muster up all our will and strength to act accordingly.

I don’t know about you but I’m tired of being bullied.
Bullied by the corporations, governments and people that believe in a power other than love.

The Standing Rock Sioux are standing for us.
All of us.

Let’s stand with them.
Let’s let them know they are not alone.

If you can come, then please come.
If you can or can’t come, please share this letter and flyer because I will need help.

I can’t do it alone. And I never have had to.

You’ve proven to me time after time that we are all one.

So please join me, in heart, in mind, in body on November 26th as we feed all we can to the world warriors at Oceti Sakowin Camp.

Four months into two weeks. Not a problem.

On November 11th I heard a voice in my head that said “FTX Standing Rock”.
These past five days I’ve realized the voice I heard was yours.

Love always,


French Toast And Hugs Website

Keep In Touch.
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FTX (French Toast & Hugs) Standing Rock Invitation – FTX #21
Saturday November 26th, 2016
Oceti Sakowin Camp, Cannon Ball, North Dakota
Starting At Approximately 8am

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FTX Paris (Pain Perdu Et Câlins) Speech – May 15th, 2016

FTX Paris Speech

May 15th, 2016
FTX Paris (Pain Perdu Et Câlins) Speech

On October 11th of last year my best friend died.
Her name is Daisy Mae and she changed my life forever.

Sixteen years ago she and her sisters were abandoned in the trash and found by people with kinder hearts.

Daisy, a brown eyed little puppy, was then adopted by two people who are dear to my heart. I can remember clearly the day I first met her.

I walked into her new home and this brown ball of energy and wonder barreled over to me.
She looked up at me with her deep dark brown eyes and clearly asked where I had been all this time as she and I were of course the best of friends.

In that moment my life took a sharp turn. Not left or right.
My life took a turn up.

At that time I had been living most of life with a black and thick hatred for myself.
I don’t know.
Why do any of us hurt ourselves?
Why do we believe our lies?

Two years later I was visiting my Daisy and she asked me why I had not been adopted off of the streets into a loving family as she had?
To her I was a quality puppy and also her best friend.
I told her I was working on it but I was shy and scared to open and risk my fragile heart.
I could tell opening her heart to others was never a risk for Daisy but she understood her friend was troubled and alone and she wanted to help.
So she offered some sage street advice.

“What you need to do is start a gang. That way while you’re on the cold hard streets no one will mess with my pal.”

It made sense to me.

And having Daisy (a self proclaimed brown belt ninja) in a gang with me would be a powerful ally.

I asked her what we should call our little gang and recommended my favorite breakfast that my mother made me when I was a boy. French Toast. Or as you call it Pain Perdu.

She agreed French Toast was a good choice as it was brown (the color of love according to Daisy) and tasty and made you feel loved and safe.
Just like her favorite thing in the world did – Hugs.

And with that one conversation the French Toast and Hugs Gang was born.
FTX for short.

Time passed and with Daisy as my friend I gradually began to open my heart to more and more people. Some of those people joined our gang and we began to travel the world together.

Feeding people French Toast and giving them Hugs.

Only now can I see clearly what Daisy had planned for me all along.
What Daisy gave to me.

A family.

Have you ever looked into someone’s eyes and seen total love and acceptance for who you are even if you can’t see who you are yourself?

That was my Daisy.

An abandoned kid from the street whose heart stayed soft.

There is an incredible strength in softness.
There is an incredible braveness in kindness.

What are our hearts but seeds of love?
The earth around them can grow hard and filled with the rocks and weeds of bad memories.
But Daisy knew that if you have a friend, just a single friend, who will water and garden the earth around your heart it will grow into the most beautiful of flowers.

A flower of light.

And she should know. After all she was a Daisy.

Which is why when we met sixteen years ago she was so very happy.
Because she had found her friend.

Two days before she passed away last October I went to visit her one last time.
Her bones rippled under her thin brown fur and her nose was cracked and dry as she panted and lay on her side unable to stand on her own.
Her breath was metallic and came in and out in hard and soft puffs.
Her body was shutting down and starving itself.
But her eyes were still clear, brown and present.

And her eyes saw her friend.

It was then that a miracle happened.
She wagged her tail, stood up, drank some water and then she held me.
I will never forget this monumental act of unconditional love.

I held her for as long as I could and I told her that my love for her would last forever.

I arrived in a cold and grey Paris two months later.

A hollow shell of a man.

Not only had my best friend passed but six others in the past year.

Even with my Gang, even with the teachings of love Daisy gave me I was lost.

“Lost” in French is perdu.
“French Toast” is simply translated as “lost bread”.
Which is how you see me now.

But then I met you.
All of you.
The French people.
And you watered my heart.

There is a softness here I have not seen anywhere else in the world.
There is a kindness here that I have never felt.
Here strangers care for strangers.
Here people share love for refugees.
I have been one of those strangers held up by another when I fell down the Metro stairs.
I have been protected by two elderly French men and their small dog when a poor lost drunken man threatened me.

I have begun once again to bloom.

And for that I thank you.

All of the people you meet here today have flowers in their hearts.
Some of their flowers need help.
Maybe some French Toast.
Maybe a Hug.
Let’s tend to them and to each other.

That was Daisy’s lesson to us all.

This FTX is dedicated to Jasmine June, Gary Sibley, Uncle Mike, dear sweet Lucy, gentle Ben, lovely Betty, Bryce Carroll-Coe and my little boy Teen.

This FTX is for Daisy.

When you get inducted into the French Toast and Hugs Gang you get a number. And it is yours for life.
Daisy and I shared our number.
It is the number 1.

Today we aren’t a gang.
Today we are an army.

An army of ONE.

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FTX Paris (Pain Perdu Et Câlins) Invite – May 15th, 2016

FTX Paris Flyer English Francais

FTX (French Toast & Hugs) Paris Invitation – FTX #20
Sunday May 15th, 2016
Behind Club “Glazart”
7-15 Avenue De La Porte De La Villette, 75019 Paris
Starting At 8am

September 11th, 2015
I get an email from an old friend, Scott.
Subject line: “Bonjour!”

Inside was a short but cryptic note asking if I wanted to serve French Toast….

in France!!!!

The first time I found myself walking around Paris was in 2011. I was lucky enough to be working in London and took the train to Paris to visit my friend Alex for the weekend. She showed me around all the sites a first timer would probably go see: the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, pastry shops!

I remember standing in front of Notre Dame Cathedral and wondering if I would ever get to do an FTX (French Toast & Hugs) event here. What were the chances a small town guy from New Jersey would be here in Paris once let alone twice?

But in 2013 I was back. I was fortunate enough again to be working on an international show and one of the places we shot was in Paris! We were here for only about a week which was a far cry less than the four months it usually takes me to prepare an FTX. And so I just enjoyed the city and was on my way. Never once thinking I would be back here again.

Even as a small boy I never was one to expect more from life than what I’ve already received. I figured you enjoy what you have as much as you can and that’s pretty much that.

But life has a way of challenging us.

I feel what it challenges most is our hearts.

Since FTX Motor City took place in Detroit on September 14th of 2014 I’ve lost seven people close to me.

With each loss I tried my best to deal with it but another and then another and then another would happen. It is now at the point where I don’t really know what to do as I am so backlogged with grief.

And so when Scott wrote me about French Toast in France my immediate reaction was joy.

Joy not only to do French Toast in the country of its namesake (it is called pain perdu here which translates to “lost bred”, something I have been this past year and a half). But also joy for the opportunity to give again. It may sound like it should be the opposite but in truth when I am given the opportunity to do an FTX I am grateful because they fill me so much. They are four months of work and planning but in those few hours we hand strangers unconditional love I can’t imagine a person receiving more than me.

It is a healing time.

I left for Paris on December 26th, 2015 and said goodbye to my lovely wife Brandy and our two older pups Greta & Teen.

Shortly after being here Teen passed away as old age took its toll.

His passing has hollowed me out like an old tree in the woods.

I found myself unable to push forward to my goal of FTX Paris.

The weather was cold with rain and snow and wind.
The city was crowded and loud and there was nothing I wanted to do more than hide in my apartment.

Time passed and my friends Julien, Sophie, and Scott’s passion towards this FTX kept me moving forward.

I would walk early Sunday mornings trying to find the perfect place to do it but could never find more than a handful of people out. I have never in the previous 19 events had so much trouble in finding a location.

How can you give a gift when there is no one to receive it?

Because of recent attacks the city’s police force walks around in body armor and carry automatic weapons. There is a feeling of fear here that the locals told me grew and fed off of the November Bataclan attack.

Where would I go to find people and if I did what were the chances I wouldn’t be shut down by the police? I felt like giving up.

But it was Sophie who found the key.

I find there is much to be proud of in the French people.
They are kind and caring to strangers, on the metro they give up their seats to the old or mothers.
They are affectionate in the way they show you they love you with the gentle pats on the arm or the greeting kiss on your cheeks.
They took in refugees when many countries would not.

There are a few grass root organizations who feed the many refugees and homeless people here in Paris. I write many people but if you were to walk the streets of Paris you would only find one or two at any given place. I believe that’s because the police don’t allow them to congregate. Instead they are scattered and only are found in large numbers when they walk to the pre-planned places they know will have free meals.

Early on we tried to contact these organizations to ask if they had any recommendations of where we could do FTX Paris but never heard back.

Sophie found a website that listed a place that handed out lunches on Saturdays and Sundays and on March 20th she, Scott, & I made our way there.

Far from the beautiful parks of Paris we found ourselves in the 19th district in front of a graffiti covered former bus stop and now music club “Glazart”. Mere footsteps from the local police station.

Behind the club we saw a line of mostly men standing in front of what looks like two large shipping containers stacked one on top of the other. Sophie bravely went up to the door and asked who was in charge. Without question we were let in to find a clean and well used cafeteria being set up for that day’s lunch.

People were bustling around and we were asked to wait. A few minutes later an older man wearing a well used brown leather jacket came up to us. He had those clear piercing Clint Eastwood eyes but with an easy smile to accompany them. I have always been a fan of World War 2 movies and to me he felt like the French Resistance fighters James Coburn meets at the end of the film “The Great Escape”.

His name is Jean-Francois and this was the moment everything changed for me.

Jean-Francois is one of a few people who run l’Un Est l’Autre which translates to “the one is the other”. A belief I strongly hold to.

In minutes, without knowing us, without knowing what FTX really was or even my legal name as I was introduced to him as Toast he offered to let us do our FTX with them!!!!

He offered to open his cafeteria early on the day we do it so people can choose to eat inside or out.
He offered to have Fodil, the man who buys their supplies, to drive me to pick up FTX fixings at a discount restaurateur supply store that you can only get into with their card.
He put us under the blanket of their organization so that there was zero possibility of being shut down by the police.
And best of all, the people will come to us as close to 600 do each Saturday and Sunday when they get their lunch from l’Un Est l’Autre.

The one is the other.

That’s damn right.

It is with great happiness that I invite you to our 20th French Toast & Hugs event:
FTX Paris (Pain Perdu Et Câlins)!!!!

I know many of you won’t be able to make it but that shouldn’t stop you from being a part of it.

We will have live updates on the day on our facebook page so sign up and check in on May 15th. We plan to start at 8am Paris time.

FTX is free but if you would like to support the good people and good works of l’Un Est l’Autre please click the link below.

Please know l’Un Est l’Autre never asked for me to do this (and don’t even know that I am) but it feels right. Just like finding their place did that Sunday in March.

(When they ask for country on the donation page the United States is “Etats-Unis” and the United Kingdom is “Royaume-Uni”.)

It’s a funny thing. Every FTX had the location of where we were going to do it as the artwork because to me the location was always the heart of the event.

Every event except this one.

After meeting Jean-Francois and his team I realized that to me they were the heart of FTX Paris. They were the location I was looking for all along.


French Toast And Hugs Website

French Toast And Hugs Facebook

l’Un Est l’Autre Donation Page

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FTX PastPresentFuture

December 18, 2015

Dear FTX Gang,

So much has happened these past two years.
The highest of highs and the lowest of lows to be true.
As always, it takes me a long time to get how I’m feeling on the inside to make its way to the outside.
But now, on the nearing of the end of our 2015, I sit outside in the Ojai sun with a Bundaberg ginger beer and know I am as ready as I’ll ever be.

Over the past two years we’ve lost some stone cold gang members but we have gained some too.

As I wrote on October 11th, we lost our co-founder, the one who put “stone cold” into FTX, our forever lovely brown eyed girl Daisy Mae.

But is lost the right word?

Some days, most days, I feel lost without her and the word seems to fit. But that’s just personal to me and not representative of the good she’s given our world.

What Daisy has given our world, love and friendly meals to thousands upon thousands, is forever.

How can any man say an animal, any animal, is less than us when they learn of her?
How can they not be inspired?

Daisy was and is FTX 1. And wherever FTX 1 went FTX 0 was sure to follow.
FTX 0 is our pale little deaf girl Jasmine June but Daisy let me know long ago her true name is Alien Kinkaid (more on that later!).

Jasmine was said to be a little slow and in her deafness approached life in her own unique way.
Jasmine loved the feel of the bushes on her face.
Jasmine would sit and stare for hours at her friend the dryer.
Jasmine would make sounds never heard before on earth.

And for good reason.

According to Daisy’s legend, Jasmine (Alien Kinkaid), crashed to our blue green brown planet in a spaceship similar in appearance to a regular clothes dryer. Alien was rescued by some good folk but in truth Daisy let me know she was adopted so Daisy could keep an eye on our confused little space wanderer.

Daisy recommended to me, the other FTX 1, that we let Alien into our Gang as FTX 0 so all of us could keep an eye out for her. Zero. A number that doesn’t seemingly add anything but over time both Ms Mae & I realized she added quite a bit.

She added love and companionship to Daisy’s life and Daisy to hers.

When Daisy passed into the mystery on October 11th Jasmine followed her one and only true friend a few weeks later on December 2nd.

I know that I will miss these two girls for the rest of my life.

To me, forever, 1+0 will equal the love of sisters.
Sisters and a dryer shaped spaceship.

Until I can see you again, rest easy dear girls.

I wrote back in my FTX Motor City wrap up about the incredible Gary Sibley.


Gary was a teacher to autistic students in the Detroit area as well as a filmmaker. I met him thru a friend and without hesitation Gary single handedly spearheaded FTX Motor City into becoming the success that it was. Choosing the location, where to get good local bred, sending out flyers to his friends and students and even standing next to our FTX 5 as the police threatened to shut us down.

Gary passed away April 23rd from heart failure. Far too soon and far too young. I never was able to give Gary his shirt but I will give him his number now. Like all our numbers they are yours and yours alone. His is 914, September 14th if you will, the date of FTX Motor City. I dedicate this day now and forever to the man who gave that day meaning to me.

FTX 914 & FTX 0
FTX 914 & FTX 0

Only once before have I dedicated the date of an FTX to a person, without whom the FTX would never have happened.
And that person is my dear friend Jess (Jessy) Harrison.
I met this Aussie lady in 2012 when I flew out to Namibia to work on Fury Road.
That was easily the most physically demanding job I’ve ever done. We worked 5-6 days a week without a break for food or bathrooms or sometimes it felt like even for air. I was under the gun to put it lightly to plan and organize what was and is the most complicated FTX ever.

And that’s where Jessy came in.

I soon realized I wasn’t going to be able to pull this one off on my down days.
I asked Jess, who worked mostly in our office in the town of Swakopmund, if she’d be open to handling a few FTX tasks. Without hesitating she agreed.
But a few tasks was an understatement as I dropped on her desk pages upon pages of things to do before September 30th, 2012 – FTX Namibia.

Jess did them all with a smile and a happiness that fed directly into my exhausted heart. Having a partner, someone you can count on especially when times are their roughest, means everything. That’s what FTX is all about. And that was what Jessy was and is to me. The 300 orphans we fed that day didn’t really know who the true angel was that day. But I present her to you now, FTX 930, Jess Harrison!!

Besides Gary there were three other new recruits at our FTX Motor City in 2014.


FTX 69 – Kurt Jackson. I met Kurt in Detroit on the job but he’s a Canadian thru and thru. His accent always made me smile but it’s his irreverent sense of humor that made him the perfect pick for 69! (I danced around who to give the number to for years but when I met Kurt I knew my dance was done).

FTX 72 – Eric Luling. I’ve known Eric for over 8 years. Again I met him on a job but I knew right away he was someone to keep close. A perfectionist and a rebel, you can always count on Eric to get the job done right and to not back down from the man.

FTX 73 – Jami Garbett. I met Jami thru my lovely Brandy and was hooked right away to her shot straight from the heart smile and her sarcastically sweet sense of humor. When I found out Jami was going to be able to attend FTX Motor City from her Ohio home I had her shirt made ready and on the day I gave it to her right then and there.

And that brings us to our last two recruits.

I met Rachel in 2011 in Malta. I had just been married and it was hard, to say the least, to leave my home so quickly and to resume work. I remember clearly the hot and humid day I met her as she prepped cameras for our show. Being me, I had about 1 billion work questions to ask her while she was trying to do her real job. I can be frustrating and relentless when I want to get something done but she took all my questions with a smile. That day I wrote her name down on a piece of paper so I wouldn’t forget it. I still have it now. Little did I know I was meeting one of the greatest friends I would ever meet. That job was a tough one full of toxic people but Rachel just kept shining thru. Together we were unstoppable. We still are.

Her boyfriend (now fiancé!) Freddie was kind enough to surprise her with her gang colors in their London home. FTX please welcome our very own tough and soft roller derby gal – FTX 77, Rachel Clark!!

Our final recruit is my sweet girl, the redbone coonhound Greta Garbone. Now if you think I’m playing favorites you’d be wrong. Greta has been in my life since 2009 but she didn’t make it in the gang till this year. What with the passing of our good dane Audrey (FTX 59) last year Greta went from an it’s all about me type of kid to an orange-brown love bug. She’s still a little all about her but a lot less now. She’s stepped into her big sister’s empty shoes and I think she finds they fit her nicely. Welcome little one, FTX 67, with her gold glitter FTX tag – the first of its kind.

Hard to believe just with these new recruits how international we really are. But Canada, USA, England and Australia are just names someone else made up – FTX is the land I come from.

Check us out!


FTX 67 FTX 69 FTX 72 FTX 73 FTX 77 FTX 930
FTX 67 FTX 69 FTX 72 FTX 73 FTX 77 FTX 930

Which brings me to our next event.

I never thought it would actually happen but it is.

2016 will be the year of FTX Paris!!!!

That’s right. French Toast & Hugs in FRANCE!!!!

I will be leaving in a little over a week for Paris and will be there till sometime in June. The only thing that makes leaving home bearable is planning these events. As usual, I’m a bit nervous about whether or not I will be able pull this one off. With the recent attack I’m being told no. But I’ve been told no each and every time. My hope is to do it in April or May and to invite as many orphanages as I can. I’ll keep you posted once I know more but if you have ever had a hankering to go to Paris I would love to see you in your gold and white shirts there on that day.

In case you’re curious this letter was written to Peter Bradley Adam’s song “One Foot Down”.


Here’s to a peaceful end to 2015 and an even better 2016.

My love to you always. Thank you for standing alongside me all these years.


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Daisy Mae – FTX 1

Daisy Mae - FTX 1
FTX 1 Loves FTX 1

October 11th, 2015
Daisy Mae – FTX 1

FTX was born of friendship.

as simple and as powerful as that.
the friendship of two brown street kidz – myself and my pal daisy mae.

if you don’t know the story then head on over here for the full LEGEND!
complete with official FTX theme song! that’s right we have a song and it’s about time it was heard.


daisy taught me so much.

that brown is the color of love.
that sharing a meal can change the world.
that none of us have to ever go it alone.

i added the french toast and she added the hugs.
and together we set out to turn strangers into family.
the best of families. one born of trust, respect and love.

like john and yoko, daisy and i are equals.
so much so that we both share the same FTX gang number of 1.
in our world 1+1 always equaled 1.

today my lovely brown friend passed on from our world.
some might think of her as only a dog but they would be wrong.
she is on par with gandhi and king and peace pilgrim.
with her open heart daisy connected hundreds of people the world over and fed thousands upon thousands.

more than anyone i have ever met, daisy changed my life for good.

she will always be FTX 1.
as will i.
but today i feel less.

today 1+1 doesn’t equal 1.

love toast

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FTX Motor City Wrap Up – September 14th, 2015

This was written to Sharon Van Etten’s cover of Bruce’s “Drive All Night” on repeat for hours and hours.

September 14th, 2015

FTX (French Toast & Hugs) Motor City – FTX #19 Wrap Up


What a strange concept we humans have made up.

We use it to track our minutes and our days and the minutia of what seems to matter at the moment.

But how often do we stand back and view it for what it really is?

For me time is an ocean we all float in.
It ebbs and flows and we have no choice but to move with it.
Sometimes it is calm and the sky is the softest of blues and the sun is warm on our faces as we rest on its surface.
And sometimes it rages with silver tipped waves and the sky is as black as the water below as we scream air in and out of our lungs.

September 14th, 2014
One year ago today I was living in Michigan for work.

On this day my temporary home was filled with loving people who among many others were preparing to descend on Hart Plaza in Detroit as we emptied out our hearts and pantries to the people of the Motor City.
French Toast & Hugs was in full effect!

That was one year ago today but for me the time between then and now has been lost in that raging black sea of memories and emotions.

For on the evening of September 8th, 2014 my wife Brandy and I had to say goodbye to our soul mate, our love, our friend, FTX Gang Member #59 – Audrey The Good Dane.

More than anything else, for me, she was and is my daughter.

Audrey, a sweet and funny Great Dane, was diagnosed with stomach cancer not long after I left our home to work in Michigan. Brandy, as always when I am away, had to take on the brunt of the work. The medications and the comforting. The physical and emotional heavy lifting.

But I was away from them. I was stuck in time. Because I couldn’t physically be there I was trapped in the last peaceful memory I had of us all before leaving.

April 27th, 2014 - My Family
April 27th, 2014 – My Family


I have a deep love and respect for all living things.
I have the stubborn belief that we are all the same.
I refuse to accept that one person is better than another or one species is above another.
To accept that you are better or worse than another creature limits you from seeing the value of all life, including yours.
For are we all not out here swimming?

Losing Audrey was not losing a dog.
It was losing an invisible limb that I will always feel tingling and wondering where it went.
You get what you give in this life and when I love I give everything I have.
One year ago today was the culmination of almost four and a half months of work to prepare FTX Motor City.

Happy work. Joyous work.
For I never truly feel as close to perfect as I do on the day, the moment of an FTX.

Here is my journey.
In time.

I arrived in Detroit on April 28th, 2014 to wintery skies and grey sleet lined roads.

Chris O’Hara, a Michigan friend I met in 2012 while we were working in Africa of all places, recommended I connect with his close friend Gary Sibley who made low budget films as well as taught autistic kids how to make their own. Chris told me Gary was just the guy to help me plan FTX Motor City and Chris was right.

I met Gary at Dino’s Lounge on May 24th. I had never met Gary before and had no idea what he would look like. As I sat at the bar, weather beaten cowboy hat in hand, I scanned the room looking each person in the eye to see if there was a spark of recognition. But no one stood out as the voice I had heard on the phone.

And then he walked in.

A beaming smile of joy filled his face. Gary, a 51 (at the time) year old African American with a pronounced limp, a bit of a belly and at least to me (a New Jersey kid who doesn’t know much about much) a shorter version of Kid from Kid ‘n’ Play’s vertical hairdo.

In other words he looked like a big happy kid.

It is fair to say I liked him right off the bat.

My Friend Gary
My Friend Gary


Over the next three months I met Gary weekend after weekend as we prepared for FTX Motor City. He gave me moral support, insider Detroit wisdom of where and how to hold the event, his dedication that he would bring as many of his students to the event as he could but most importantly he gave me his time.

Yes time. Or what we make of it. In truth what is time but life? Gary gave generously of his life. And it seems to me he did this with everyone.

My mom, FTX #70, and my younger sister FTX #55 (don’t think I’m not getting a kick by calling them by their numbers and not their names!) came to visit me for a weekend in late August before FTX.

FTX #55 has Down’s Syndrome and also difficulty walking. August 16th, 2014 was something of a special day in Detroit. It was the day of their annual Woodward Dream Cruise where muscle cars and other classics drive up and down Woodward Avenue showing off some of the best art Detroit or any other city ever gave to this world.

Gary, as was his way, offered to share the day with us and show mom and sis around. As the gorgeous steel girls of Detroit rumbled past us I was captivated for I have a deep deep love of Detroit muscle. Gary offered to sit with my mom and sis as I wandered around to see this once in a lifetime event. I was grateful.

It wasn’t until that evening that I found out from the internet that that day was Gary’s birthday. His 52nd.

He never said a word. He just shared his day with us with a quiet grace.

May 28th, 2014
Brandy & my third wedding anniversary.

Brandy woke that day to Audrey vomiting and refusing to eat.
Scared to take her to the vet and something horrible be discovered on such a special day my brave wife still took our Aud in.

Less than a week later we learned that she had cancer in her stomach.

June 5th, 2014
The biggest ball of cancer the surgeon had ever seen was removed from our good girl. The surgeon tells us we caught it just in time.

June 19th, 2014
As with our last FTX, FTX Namibia in 2012, I wanted to dedicate this FTX to kids. More specifically, kids without parents.

In Africa they are called orphans and there are more than I could ever imagine – on the outskirts of the small town I was living in at the time there were thousands.

In America they are called foster kids. We have state run programs to make sure they have homes and food and clothes and schooling. But they still are missing what the African kids were, what matters most – a stable family.

My goals were to invite as many of the kids that could go to FTX Motor City – a family in its own right, and to raise donations for them as well. Whether a kid needed a new backpack or sneakers I believed that first and foremost what they would get is that someone out there cared about them. That they weren’t alone.

I contacted one of the oldest and highest regarded foster care agencies of Detroit – The Ennis Center For Children.

I was plenty nervous calling them as I was concerned I would appear as the stranger I truly was asking them to take me at my word that I only had the best intentions.

I find that in the west we have a suspicious nature.
It must be something taught just as I find often in the east it is not.
When I told the locals in Namibia that I wanted to hand out free French Toast and Hugs to local boys and girls their reply was “Well of course you do.” It just made sense to them that someone would want to help someone else.

That isn’t always the reaction I get over here.

I rehearsed and rehearsed what I wanted to say to whoever answered their phone. I would tell them that I had done this eighteen times before all over the world and even though I would have no permits that I could be relied on. That I was accountable. That all I wanted was just this one moment – to give to this special city and to these brave kids.

And so it was with a desperate heart that I called.

My call was directed to Jennifer King and in that moment I forgot everything I had rehearsed!

I stuttered as I am apt to do and I rambled as I am also apt to do in a winding road of thoughts and emotions.

When I finally came up for air she paused and her heart said:

“Well of course you do.”

Sight unseen, she leapt completely and fully into my dream!

She told me she would talk to the President of The Ennis Center, Bob Ennis, and see what he thought.

I immediately wrote my new brother Gary to which he immediately replied:

“Keep me in the loop! I can reach out to more organizations. Let’s blow the roof off this event!”

And even now, one year to the day, I find tears in my eyes to think of their love.

Turns out Bob Ennis loved the idea and Jennifer King and Erin Covert of The Ennis Center put the word out to all the various foster agencies in the Detroit area about FTX Motor City.

Days and weeks passed as I locked in the location (where could be better to share our hearts than in Hart Plaza?) and found the local bakery, farm and gelateria that we would purchase our challah bred, eggs and gelato from.

I put the word out to people who could or couldn’t make it that day that we were raising donations for these kids. And boy did those donations ever come in!
The people in my office had to start storing them in another room as they began to reach to the ceiling.

And Audrey, my good girl, weeks past her surgery began to eat once more, growing happy and strong and my heart grew with her.

Jennifer & Erin told me they weren’t sure how many foster kids would actually be at FTX as it was up to their foster parents to take a Sunday off to bring them down. There was no judgment. The foster parents were doing their best and lives always get busy. “No matter” I told them, each FTX turns out exactly as it needs to be.

August 8th, 2014
My birthday.

The previous year, 2013, I had the rare fortune to actually be home on my birthday. Brandy, knowing how much I love being with our family, planned for Audrey, our coonhound Greta and us to stay at a small inn along the Pacific ocean. We took walks on the beach with them and ran and played and laughed.

It was the greatest birthday I have ever had.



But August 8th, 2014 arrived and this time I found myself working. It was a long, hot and tiring day and I told my friends that I’d prefer to go home and rest rather than celebrate. I called Brandy as I was leaving work and couldn’t help but hear the silence in her voice.

“Audrey’s cancer is back.”

And just like that the sky went dim and I found myself alone in a raging sea.
Salt water choking me and mixing with my tears.

It was the worst birthday I have ever had.

Audrey got progressively sicker as her cancer caused her to starve herself.

Brandy, my poor lady, had been thru this before you see as her mother passed from stomach cancer in 2012 in our home months after we married.
She too starved to death.

August 30th, 2014 to September 2nd, 2014
I flew home for one last visit with our girl.
Oh dear God how thin she was but her eyes were still a puppy’s.
We did everything she loved to do.
Frolics on the beach.
Ear rubs.
And my favorite – lying down on the floor with her and holding her close.
As I did I fell asleep with Audrey, my arms draped around her chest.
Softly I felt a touch and woke to see Brandy wrapped around Audrey’s back.

We held her in a circle of love.

I promised Audrey I would be back soon as I closed the front door.

September 8th, 2014

I will never forget that Monday.

It was a hard night of work.
Due to the nature of where we were working I had to be the only one from my department out there for most of the night. I spent it running back and forth down a muddy road carrying equipment.

Once Audrey got sick Brandy & I made a deal. While I was working if anything important came up that she had to email me about she would put what it was in the subject line. This was because my internet would often go down and if I saw a subject line about our girl and was unable to open the message I would go into a state of panic.

I finished work the morning of September 9th alone except for my co-worker and friend James. I was covered in mud and exhausted as I checked my email before leaving for home.

There was an email from Brandy.
Subject: I’m sorry to have to do this via email
It had been sent at 4:54pm the previous day.
Audrey was done. She was telling Brandy it was time for her to go.

I didn’t get the message till 6:24am the next day.

I had worked thru the last moments of her life.

I looked up at James and told him my girl was gone.

While Audrey was struggling for life Brandy and I decided it would be best if Brandy stayed home in California to nurse her while I did FTX in Detroit on September 14th.

Now that Audrey was gone it was undecided if Brandy should come out.

How do you give when you feel so empty?

September 9th, 2014
Another email from Brandy.
Subject: Heidi and I are coming. :O)

How do you give when you feel so empty?
The answer is simple.
You get what you give. And you give what you get.

September 14th, 2014
And so here we are.
A long journey thru a very specific time.
The sun is full and the sky is blue. The air is crisp but not cold as we arrive at Hart Plaza. The perfect weather for grilling!

Hart Plaza – home to many Detroit concerts and events. I purposefully chose this day as there was nothing listed on the official Hart Plaza schedule. Since I didn’t have a permit I didn’t want to interfere with anyone that did.

I pulled our van near the iconic Joe Lewis sculpture (as seen on our FTX Motor City flyers) and got out. Gary was there along with some of his students – ready to go.
I made a mental note to myself that I would have to induct Gary into the FTX Gang with his own gang number one day soon.

The crew started to unload and carry the enormous amount of food we had across the street to the empty plaza.

I stood alone for a brief moment and looked around.

Here I was, so very aware of time. And the life it actually stood for.
Here I was knowing that Audrey would not die for me until I returned home three months later.
Here I was and I took the deepest breath I could.
Because I knew, somehow I knew, that I would be trying to stay afloat in that raging sea of grief and that each and every breath counts.

Turning I saw my friend Kurt, aptly numbered for his irreverent nature as FTX #69 and we laughed because what could we do but laugh?

Together we crossed into Hart Plaza.

I hung up a picture of Audrey in front of my grill and read my speech to the small crew that were assembled.

FTX Motor City Speech

FTX Motor City was a slow burn. People came and went and even the cops came (and went thanks to FTX #5!) and all was well. That is until 10:30am!

Just as I was talking about packing it up early the entire Detroit Salvation Army showed up!

Unknown to me they had booked the plaza and were celebrating their organization along with a full marching band!!

I think they thought we were part of the Salvation Army and we fed every last one of them. The line stretched on for hours and at one point I looked up and saw that their marching band was facing us as they blasted into a full concert!

With the punctuated drum rhythms and the deep brassy horns I found myself grilling to even greater heights and speeds as the music took me over.

Bees swarmed us and danced around us as we picked them out of pools of syrup and whipped cream. Leaving us *mostly* unstung.

It was a true celebration of life as I battled each moment with the grief that tried to hold me under.

I could and can still feel the love in the faces of my gang.
Chris and Daisy with the gelato and Robin cutting the fruit.
Kyle in his chef uniform and Heidi staying near and close to Brandy.
And James, who was with me on that dreadful September 8th was there holding up pictures of my car Grace.
And Sandy and Paul and Amy and Eric and Jami and Carmine and Tricia and Kurt. Lovely Kurt walking up to complete strangers and telling them “So glad you could make it! We’ve been waiting for you!” and leading those poor confused people into our joyful celebration.

I looked and saw Brandy and she was smiling and laughing, loving and giving.
My dear wife who had lost the greatest love of her life less than a week before was filled with joy!!!!

She confided to me in later days that the love of that FTX got her thru those first few weeks without Audrey.

No greater miracle has FTX ever accomplished.

By the end of it all I was spent.
I had emptied out fully and was grateful for the privilege to do so.
And as we drove out of Hart Plaza I was aware that we were already becoming a memory.

But what a wonderful memory.

FTX Motor City Crew
FTX Motor City Crew


October 26th, 2014
Jennifer and Erin come to my Michigan home and pick up a wall of donations.



Days later I receive this letter from their founder – Bob Ennis



December 5th, 2014


But it didn’t quite feel like home.

Since September 8th, 2014 I find it hard to look people in the eye.
And so as I walk Greta around town I do so with my cowboy hat low on my eyes.
I look down and smile as I pass people hoping that will be enough.
Enough for them and enough for me.

April 23rd, 2015
Gary Sibley, my friend, my brother, passed away in the night from heart failure.
He was only 52.
He spent his last birthday with me and my mom and sis.
Gary, who never got his FTX number but will forever be in the gang.
Gary posted an image online the night before his death.

It is a clock face over which is written “The Clock Is Ticking”.

September 14th, 2015
It’s been a year and I still find it hard to look people in the eye.
The sea is calmer now but not entirely so.
But I feel something in myself stirring. A need, a calling to do it all over again.

One day I will look up again and I hope that on that day as I’m setting up my grill and music is in the air (hopefully a marching band) that on that day as I lift my head that I’m looking at you and that you are looking at me.

Because time is life and life is all we have and I want to share mine with you.

love toast

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